This post is really hard for me to write, but I'm gonna try to do it anyway. But before I go any further, let me just say that I am not trying to say all adoptees are this way, I'm not grouping them all together....just gonna talk about some of the issues I deal with living with an adoptee.
Many years ago, I realized that J has never had a good relationship with any woman. He doesn't have a relationship with his adoptive mother or his adult daughter from his 1st marriage. And to be quite honest, our relationship is not that great. I have pointed out to him that he has a problem with women, and he feels bad about it when we talk about it, but yet he doesn't do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, he is not mean to me, he's just not emotionally there.
He has pretty much cut off all communication with his sister that at 1st he was very close with because she once gave him a suggestion on something he should do. In his eyes, she was trying to control him so he just shut her out. If I ask him to do something or make a suggestion, I'm trying to control him. See a pattern here?
I have realized that I am the closest person to him, so I get pushed away more than anyone. I actually see him go out of his way to please people that really don't show much interest in being a part of his life. I guess maybe that's because they are safe. There's no danger of them getting to close.
Do I believe these issues are directly related to his adoption? YES....I believe there's no way he's going to let anybody ever get close enough to him to hurt him. He had no control over his life from day one, and he's not about to let that happen again. And even though I can understand why he would feel this way, that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Like I said, I am not grouping all adoptees together. I know that not all of them have these issues, but I know some do.
So, spouses of adoptees, are there any of you that have to deal with these issues? And if so, how do you deal with it?
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14 comments:
You're not alone. I don't know what it is -- if it's the unnaturally broken bond between a mother and son, if it's growing up in a family where you were put there by chance, not by nature. But I live the same thing as you do and I don't see any chance of improvement in my case. My husband found his natural mother years ago and all he really craves is a real mother-son connection -- unfortunately she lives far away and has a husband who is too possessive to allow it even if she did leave close. Is it just me, or do many of us who are married to adoptees, have to fill in as a real Mother to them?
I find tons of adoptee support websites but none for those of us who married adoptees not realizing the scars that adoption can leave on them that affect their relationships forever. Thanks for starting this website.
Sorry to hear you are going through this bclover. But at least now you know that you are not alone.
I do find that sometimes I feel like I am filling in as J's mom. Or maybe not filling in, but paying for the choices she made. Sometimes I just want to say "I'm not the one that did it."
Hi,
I've been reading the posts from your site because I came across it through an adoption forum.
I am an 'adoptee' and I don't like that word really... it sounds like some sort of disease. And the comments generalizing about the broken bonds, the scars, growing up not knowing anything, etc. of adoptees... I find offending especially the comment left by bclover "Is it just me, or do many of us who are married to adoptees, have to fill in as a real Mother to them?". I'm sorry?
You have no idea... and until you've lived in the shoes of an 'adoptee', you could not and will not understand... even if you are living it through your spouse. You won't get it. 'We've' lived it our whole lives.
Also, there really isn't THAT much support out there for adoptees - I can barely find a book at Chapters regarding this topic.
I am currently connecting with my bmom and my husband has no idea how it affects me or comes close to understanding the hurt I've felt and the issues that I've had to deal with all these years - alone. So for support for "those of us who are married to adoptees", all you need to do is support your spouse and be there for them. Period.
anon,
My intent was not to offend anyone. My intent was to share my feelings and possibly connect with other people in my situation.
At no time have I ever pretended to know what it feels like to be adopted. I will be the first one to tell you that I can not even begin to understand what it feels like.
And as far as being supportive, I have been nothing but supportive. But at times, I need support too, and I'm sorry if you find that offensive. And as for bclover's comments, that is her feelings and that's what this blog is for.
So, just as I don't know what it feels like to be adopted, you don't know what it's like to be married to someone who was adopted, so please do not come on here and try to make us feel bad for having feelings
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Sapph
Dear Anon -- I'm sorry you took offense; however, no one on this board coined the word "adoptee". It DOES sound like a disease, just as "birthmother" or "bmom" is offensive to many natural mothers because they feel that "birthmother" sounds like someone who simply gave birth to a baby and walked away. Is there a word you'd rather have people use? I ask this only because most of the adoption boards use the word "adoptee" simply for lack of a better term.
My comments about being a substitute mother did not come from me, but from my husband, who admitted that truth to me after many years of trying to deal with his own feelings about his adoptive family. His adoptive mother had no problem with expecting him to just flat out act differently so he would "fit in" with her and her husband's relatives. He found this unfair expectation to be a common theme in the many message boards that he has been active in for the past 5 or so years.
You mention all the issues that have hurt you -- and from the sound of your post, you are hurting terribly. The truth is, all that directly affects one's closest relationships, and marriage is one of those relationships. Telling us just to just simply be supportive and ignore adoption issues that affect our marriages, or that those issues don't exist to begin with, is no different than me going to an adoption website and telling people who are adopted to grow up, get over all their feelings and issues that come with adoption, and move on with their lives. How ridiculous would that be, and I wouldn't dream of it. Who has the right to deny a group of people their feelings or to be angry that they have a message board in which to discuss them? I really am sorry that your husband doesn't try to understand what you're going through; that sounds like something a marriage counselor might be able to help you with; I don't know for sure.
As for the lack of books and support out there, a book you might read is "The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade" by Ann Fessler. It helped my husband to get some insight into his own feelings as well as those of his natural mother, who was coerced, as many girls were, by her own priest into relinquishing him because she'd supposedly "go to Hell" if she kept him. If you go to Amazon.com and find the book, listed underneath will be several more books which may be more of interest to you, although neither he nor I have read all of them.
I'm an adoptive parent, and therefore do not want to comment on what you write other than to say thank you - and your perspective is so needed. I'm adding you to my blogroll, hope that's OK.
Hi Thirdmom,
Welcome to my blog. Feel free to add me to your blog roll. As soon as I figure out how to do it, I'm gonna make a blogroll and if you don't mind, I will put you on it. Also, feel free to comment any time you want. I welcome other opinions and other experiences.
Please keep writing - a lot. I am definitely going to be listening! I'm sending a link to you blog to my husband to read, and I'm linking to you as well. Your voice and experience need to be heard.
I'm an AP to a 4.5 year old. So, I'm not real experienced. I'm not a spouse to an adoptee but I hope you don't mind my sharing here.
When our son came to us, he was highly traumatized. Not too many people talk about that aspect, not APs, not agencies, not SW. They're too busy idealizing the whole adoption thing. Lots of APs get downright ugly if you bring up trauma or attachment issues. You take a child, even if only a baby, and give him/her away to 2 strangers who speak gobledigook and smell different. Many of these kids will be traumatized. Not all, but many. My son was. He screamed/cried at the top of his lungs for 6 solid hours. Those 6 hours of terror and the following confusion and pain of losing his (foster) parents - that kind of emotional havoc can very well affect a child permanently. And I'm convinced it has affected my child permanently.
I am trying very hard to work with his trauma and the subconscious fear that I will leave him; that he needs to take care of himself because (from his perspective) he was abandoned and given away.
I had to teach my child to hug. Have you ever heard of that? Who ever has to teach their child to hug and kiss? but my son did not know how and did not want to. I had to work and still have to work with therapeutic parenting methods to get him to trust me. Fortunately, I learned about all this when he was only 2.5. On the other hand, how sad that a child so young didn't know how to trust his mommy. Do you know that before I started the therapeutic parenting, he would not hug me? ever? not for more than 1/2 sec. When he slept and I would lay with him, he would not let my body touch his. He has come a loooong way in 2 yrs.
OK that was a long intro. The reason I am posting is because when my son is scared or mad, he lashes out at me. He is charming and wonderful to everyone else in the world, but when he's nervous, it's me that he pushes away. He is at the same time terrified that I will leave him. If a child can't see their mom, most kids are scared that they won't find their mom; my son gets scared that his mom abandoned him.
I hope the connection between what I'm posting and what you are experiencing is obvious here. It appears that your husband was an adoptee that WAS traumatized. He pushes away the person that he needs the most (you) because he fears losing you the most. I pray that he will find a way out of those chains. I pray that he can let go of the deeply rooted fear that the person that loves him most will give him away.
Oh wow. I'm here through Ungrateful Little Bastard.
I'm an adoptee. Unlike anon, though, I am not offended by your post. As a matter of fact, I think you hit the nail on the head. I'll generalize here and say that many of us adoptees feel like we were abandonded by our bparents. The problems with that thought are almost overwhelming.
1. Your parents are supposed to be the ones who love you and support you no matter what.
2. You must have been so unlovable that they didn't want to keep you.
3. You need to protect yourself from "deep" relationships because all relationships are going to end.
I could go on.
Dang. This is one of the main reasons I sought therapy. I'm trying to be a better spouse, friend, mother, PERSON. I want my hang ups to STOP.
Keep writing please.
I am with andie and uglb on this
I think Anon. is being a bit selfish
Thank you for sharing your experience as the wife of an adoptee. It's like a small window into the mind of my boyfriend. I appreciate your honesty.
Nicole
Had I known the difficulties I would face as the wife of an adoptee, I probably would have married someone else. If my husband and I didn't have two beautiful children together, I am certain I would have divorced him.
At times I feel as though my husband despises me. It seems like he tries to make me be like his adoptive mother so he'll have a reason to hate me.
I have been nothing but loving and supportive of my husband. I even found his birthparents hoping that it would quell some of his demons to no avail.
I feel like as long as I'm married to him, I'll be his punching bag. I am so tired of dealing with him. I don't know how much longer I can hold out.
We are to begin counseling in early 2008. I know that any improvement in our marital situation is going to be a long, arduous journey. I don't even want to think about what lies ahead.
The real kicker is that my husband doesn't see where we have any real problems. He has agreed to go to counseling because he wants me to stop complaining about our marriage.
I don't think some adoptees are aware of how much they hurt the people who really love them. No amount of love or support from a spouse can combat the years of anguish they've suffered.
Some adoptees are damaged goods who can't be fixed. God help anyone who gets in a relationship with one of them.
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