I've been told by 3 different people in my family recently that one person in my family seems to be jealous of the time I spend with J's family. It really bothers me because I don't want to hurt anyone. But I do understand it. I came from a big family, youngest of 6 kids. We have always been close. And I know it's not easy to understand if you really don't know about adoption. But I feel like I owe it to J to let him spend as much time with his family as he wants. They missed 43 years together. And I know my family can't understand it because they haven't been through it.
I have read about spouses of adoptees being jealous of the reunion or spouses of a birthparent that didn't want to have any part of it. I actually read on a forum a post by a woman who was very upset that her husband wanted to meet the daughter that he never knew he had. Her children didn't need another sister and they didn't need another person in their family. I don't get that. I say you can never have to many people to love.
Do I ever get jealous of J's relationship with his family? Heck yeah, I sometimes feel left out. But I get over it. He deserves to have that relationship. And he's waited for it for sooooooo long!
4 comments:
hey-i am the husband of an adoptee. we're married almost 19 years now, 2 daughters 18 and 15. finally, someone to talk to about living with an adoptee. how did your relationship with your husband change after his reunion? how was it before?
Hey lil marito, thanks for stopping by.
Does your wife know her birthfamily?
Our relationship hasn't really changed since his reunion. But I do have a better understanding now of why he is like he is. I have no experience on living with a female adoptee, but I know that J has issues that are so much more than just typical man issues, so I'm pretty sure they are related to his adoption. So, can you tell me your experiences of living with an adoptee?
Hi. It's great to have a forum like this - I've hardly ever seen any information about the spouses.
My husband met his birthmother almost 15 years ago. He had no desire to meet her and had never looked, but was informed/kind of forced to meet her through a very strange set of circumstances (no one ever believes it - if we weren't so private we'd write book.)
I was so interested in your "jealousy" comment, for I experienced this myself. It's very hard sometimes for a spouse to see his/her significant other go through a "honeymoon" with someone else! My husband's parents are/ were the most loving, wonderful people and he is very, very close to them. When he met his birthmother, mainly to get her to leave him alone, we felt very protective of his family because they are, truly, his FAMILY. But of course my husband was interested in the birthmother in the most basic of ways - genetic history, etc.. She turned out to be a nice person who is extremely successful and wealthy. We've had a problem with her overstepping her bounds, so to speak. To my husband, she is not his mother and had no right to proceed through and in his life as if she is. he likes her just fine, but his family is his family and she has to understand that he will always have that connection that she simply cannot have...
Anyway, it has sometimes been difficult between us because I find the birthmother to be a bit manipulative and somewhat assertive emotionally, and I see my husband struggling against his naturally kind and gentle, respectful nature to set some boundaries. It had gotten easier over time, but he often says that he did not ever ask to have to struggle all the time to make everyone happy and worry always about these emotional issues. He knows he sets the tone, but he simpy cannot be what he considers "rude". I find myself disliking her because I recognize how she is probably unconsiously always trying to force the closeness with my husband that he doesn't seek or desire. It is frustrating to him and me, and confusing to our teenage sons as my husband wants to make very sure that they are aware that their grandparents and "true" family are my husband's family - the ones he grew up with and who earned that right to be loved as part of us. That's my husband's frequent struggle, anyway.
Sorry so long - just nice to finally see something like this! Many years later all of these things are still issues.
Hi -- So glad that I found you all -- there are so many support sites for adoptees (and for good reason) but hardly any for spouses. My husband is an adoptee (reunited with his natural mother 12 years ago) and my best childhood friend was coerced 22 years ago into giving her twin girls up for adoption, although they have since reunited.
Do you mind me asking you guys -- how do you handle issues with your spouse's adoptive parents? It sounds like a few of us were instrumental in the reunion, and if adoptive parents aren't comfortable with the reunion, there's the posibility that it breeds contempt toward us. It certainly has in my situation and I doubt I'm alone in this.
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