Tell Me Why?

It is now possible for adoptees from Florida who have found their birth families to obtain their original birth certificates. The adoptee must (1) Get affidavits from all living parents (adoptive parents and birth parents) listed on the birth certificate. The affidavit needs to express that the parent who is signing it has no objection to the adoptee getting the birth records. (2) The adoptee writes his/her own affidavit asking for the records. (3) In the event that there is a deceased parent, a copy of the death certificate must be submitted. If any parents name has changed due to marriage/divorce, provide proof of the name change.


Does this make sense? I've know this for a long time, but I was just looking at it again this morning, and it still doesn't make sense to me. J is 46 years old, he knows who all of his parents are, so why should he have to get their permission to get HIS original birth certificate. I don't have to have a signed affidavit from my mother, or my fathers death certificate to get my birth certificate, so why should he?

3 Years

Wow! It's been 3 years already. Sometimes it seems like forever and sometimes it seems like just yesterday. I remember all the excitement those first few days. So many phone calls from the new brothers and sisters. I remember going to meet J's sister 2 weeks before we met the rest of the family, because we just couldn't wait any longer. The thing I remember the most is the day we boarded the plane to Florida two weeks later to meet the family. It is all so fresh in my mind. The feelings were amazing. I was thinking the whole time how awesome this was. We had worked for this for so long and now it was happening. He was going home for the 1st time in 43 years and I get to be a part of it. When the plane touched down on the runway, that's when it hit us. We were in the same place as J's family. They were somewhere in that building and in only a few minutes, we would all come face to face for the 1st time. And then we're walking down that long corrider to the place where everybody waits for passengers, and we see them, they see us....and that's all I can say, because that's when it all caught up with me and a bad case of the nerves took over! J was fine, I was a basket case.........couldn't even put batteries in the camera I was shaking so bad. Thank God there were more cameras there! I know it kind of sounds like a Lifetime movie, but that's exactly what it felt like.

So, here we are 3 years later and I have learned so much. So many little things still amaze me. Like how much J is like some of his brothers and sisters. How can that be? They never knew each other until 3 years ago. J and one of his brothers both have the same favorite sandwich. I know this sounds like a little thing, but the thing that makes it stand out in my mind is that this is probably the weirdest sandwich on the face of the earth. It is made of stuff that really should never be put together between 2 slices of bread, and I have always laughed at J when he would have one. But when we were all together one time and his brother made one (without knowing that J likes them too) I almost fell out!

And there are many other things, too many to list. And I guess we will probably learn more and more as time goes on! Was it worth the 7 years I put in to the search? Yeah, it was! I'd do it again if I had to.....but I'm so glad I don't have to!

Relationships

This post is really hard for me to write, but I'm gonna try to do it anyway. But before I go any further, let me just say that I am not trying to say all adoptees are this way, I'm not grouping them all together....just gonna talk about some of the issues I deal with living with an adoptee.

Many years ago, I realized that J has never had a good relationship with any woman. He doesn't have a relationship with his adoptive mother or his adult daughter from his 1st marriage. And to be quite honest, our relationship is not that great. I have pointed out to him that he has a problem with women, and he feels bad about it when we talk about it, but yet he doesn't do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, he is not mean to me, he's just not emotionally there.

He has pretty much cut off all communication with his sister that at 1st he was very close with because she once gave him a suggestion on something he should do. In his eyes, she was trying to control him so he just shut her out. If I ask him to do something or make a suggestion, I'm trying to control him. See a pattern here?

I have realized that I am the closest person to him, so I get pushed away more than anyone. I actually see him go out of his way to please people that really don't show much interest in being a part of his life. I guess maybe that's because they are safe. There's no danger of them getting to close.

Do I believe these issues are directly related to his adoption? YES....I believe there's no way he's going to let anybody ever get close enough to him to hurt him. He had no control over his life from day one, and he's not about to let that happen again. And even though I can understand why he would feel this way, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Like I said, I am not grouping all adoptees together. I know that not all of them have these issues, but I know some do.

So, spouses of adoptees, are there any of you that have to deal with these issues? And if so, how do you deal with it?